Buying A Bigger Booty--The Black Madam And The Appeal Of Bigger Buttocks

The Black Madam has been in the news lately in the Philadelphia area. Allegedly she gave injections to women to increase the size of their uh... posterior. Buttock enhancement...say it isn't so! It surely must be a cultural thing because as far as I know, no one I know wants a bigger backside. In fact most of us would willingly give half of ours away so we don't have to spend quite so much time at the gym trying to get rid of it! And we surely aren't letting some non-medical practitioner pump us with a 'mystery substance' and then cover the wound with superglue.

The idea of paying someone anything (let alone up to $1400 the Black Madam allegedly charged some 'clients) to give me dangerous injections purportedly to make my backside bigger? Just not happening here. I know the beauty of size is in the eye of the beholder...obviously I'm not a fan of big buttocks.

But if you're considering this 'enhancement' here's something to consider: There are just two medically legitimate ways in the United States to reliably enhance the buttocks, silicone implants and fat grafting. (By a plastic surgeon, not some stranger in a hotel room!) Fat grafting is the procedure of choice, but medical grade silicone may be used for patients without enough body fat to graft.

No matter what anyone tells you, the use of products from your local home improvement store will NOT work. Using caulk, silicone, Fix-a-Flat or cement from your local home improvement store is NOT a medically approved or safe way to enhance body parts. None of these products are designed or safe for medical use. It's why they are sold in the home improvement store and not a pharmacy!
(The picture in my mind of someone trying to use Fix-a-Flat to boost their booty size... boggles the mind.)

A large backside can cause a variety of problems. First there's the all important 'I can't find jeans to fit.' Finding a good pair of jeans that fit is hard enough with a 'normal' size backside, but by enhancing it you make it just that much harder to walk into The Gap to buy a pair of jeans that fit.

Next there's the 'can't fit in a seat' problem. Whether the seat is at the ball park, on an airplane, at the movies or theater, in a roller coaster or even in a car, seat size issues increase proportionally with the size of your backside.

But by far the worst? The terror of looking in a mirror (especially one of the ones in the store that show you sides and back) or even seeing your reflection as you walk down the street is the worst.  Seeing the sight that others see as you waddle down the street...not a pretty sight.

Bigger just isn't always better. But paying for bigger? No, I just don't get it. I mean would you pay for a bigger NOSE? bigger ears? And the fact is I don't get the plumped lips or breast enhancements either. No way am I going to PAY to enhance the size of any body part. But the Black Madam? HOW DID YOU EVER TALK PEOPLE INTO PARTING WITH THEIR CASH FOR BIGGER BACKSIDES? I mean they could have bought a case of Tastycakes and eaten their way to bigger buttocks. Or headed to the local fast food joint and eaten multiple burgers and fries. The options for adding poundage are all available at your local grocery store. Of course there is no guarantee the poundage will go where you want it.

Obviously you could be selling real estate in swamps. You wasted your talent on the small potatoes. You should have been frying bigger fish and raking in bigger bucks instead of shooting up the buttocks of strangers in hotel rooms. Just a thought for your next occupation once your legal issues are resolved.

Parisian Squirrels--Even Ride Bikes With Style

Video Courtesy of American Airlines on YouTube.com

Have you ever noticed that squirrels seem to mimic their human counterparts?  Just compare the chic French squirrels seen in the video above with their boring and sometimes tacky counterparts in  Philadelphia. 

It seems Parisian squirrels have a bit more style than their American counterparts, at least the ones where I live in Philadelphia. In Paris they have RED squirrels.  Not gray and boring Philadelphia squirrels!  Have you ever seen a Philadelphia, or worse yet, a JERSEY squirrel with a sense of style?  All the squirrels I see look like they've been in a rumble with between the Sharks and the Jets. Tails scraggly, fur ripped off.  I'm not sure what these squirrels do in their spare time but it certainly isn't anything as cosmopolitan as enjoying macarons at their local bistro. Jersey squirrels are just as bad.  I mean have you SEEN those people on Jersey Shore?  Obviously the squirrels take after their human counterparts--totally lacking in style.  Imagine what the squirrels would look like if they'd filmed this ad in Philadelphia. Down in South Philly they'd mimic their human counterparts and would be wearing 'wife beaters' or in Center City the females dressed in 'center city chic' -- a bizarre combination of huge gold necklaces, skirts too short, too tight, gold earrings too big, a lot of flash, weaves, but nothing resembling Parisian style. I don't know what to call most fashion in Philly but it sure isn't stylish! This isn't to say Philadelphia doesn't have some fashionistas but most of Philadelphia is clueless in the fashion department. Which is why American Airlines made their ad shown above in Paris. 

Here we have gray squirrels...boring creatures, annoying rodents, rat-like but with wider tails.  But in Paris! Oh yes! In Paris the squirrels ride bikes in jaunty berets or Velibs and scooters to cruise around the gridlock of traffic on their way to work or to play.  Their fur is sleek.  Almost as though they've just been to the squirrel spa. Even on their way to work they look like they're anticipating a day of play. I mean they LOOK like wherever they're going, whatever they're going to be doing it's going to be fun. 

Philly squirrels look like their human counterparts, headed to the Tastycake factory for another day cranking out mass produced cupcakes and pies for the already obese population to consume.  (Thank goodness the video wasn't made in Philadelphia!)  Unlike their Parisian counterparts who would be at their local bistro enjoying croissants and macarons.  Or Philadelphia squirrels might be on their way to the famous Pat's Steaks to serve up (or consume) another day's worth of grease with a side of meat.  And if you ever tried to park a bike in Philadelphia it would be history a few minutes after you walked away. 

Yes, Philly Squirrels lack style.  They have no panache.  They have no je ne sais quoi.  Which is why American Airlines made an ad in Paris not Philadelphia!  Lesson learned! Style counts. Take note Philadelphia squirrel population!